Twitter

I’m a Twitter addict. Its taking over my life, more the antisocial addiction and less the selling my phone and performing oral sex at public toilets kind… it’s a bad one none the less! Twitter has wasted so much of my time; it’s like talking to the promo chick or bar lady, lot of conversation but nothing is going to materialize. You just be left with information blue balls.Twitter enables anyone to voice their opinion for EVERYONE (well just your followers and maybe their followers) to see; your own miniature publication. You can find anything from sport updates, Obama quotes, hilarious trending topics (which usually morphs into racist banter) and Khanyi Mbau’s vagina. The problem with letting everyone voice their opinions is that… most people are assholes (me included). If you’re a douche bag in real life, you are probably one on Twitter. If you are cool in real life you still could be a douche online; the numbers are stacked against you not following a douche. This is my list of Twitter douches I try to avoid, this list varies with everyone. My douche list will not be the same as you; I’m probably on many people’s douche lists. If you have a private account… you are a douche. Why are you hiding your tweets? If you want to conceal your tweets so badly, don’t put them on the INTERNET. If I want to follow you, I have to REQUEST to follow you… nothing makes you feel like more of a groupie than REQUESTING someone you don’t know, to read their internet conversation wanks. ‘May I please, please? PLEASE follow you on Twitter.’ Stop it you are a douche!On the opposite end of the sphere are people who use their Twitter Timeline as a chat room. Stop it. You being a douche! DM or get some airtime and sort your shit out on the side. If you are correcting my grammar on Twitter, you are a douche! Fine I’m ‘uneducated’ but so are ‘LOL’, ‘ROTFL’ and ‘GTFOFH.’ If you are tweeting smiley faces, you have no business complaining about grammar. I think once you start ‘drawing’ you’ve lost the argument.If you constantly are tweeting how great a party is; you are a douche. If you having ‘THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE!’ then you should not be on the phone all night! ‘WISH YOU WERE HERE!’ So you can ignore me? Stop it you are a douche!If you are Retweeting EVERY quote about relationships, astrology, and lame life lessons, you are a douche. We have no idea who is giving this advice, it could literally be a semi naked guy, eating cereal at 3pm on his wankstained couch (the guy you wouldn’t usually take advice from, hopefully.)Make your douche list and start following the people who aren’t douches. Unfollow the people who are douches because if you don’t use the Unfollow button then you are a douche!

Gangsters!

Why are gangsters so concerned about the colour of my T-shirt or what scarf im wearing... you seem a little less dangerous if you THAT concerned about my outfit! you just like Fashion Police, only with guns and knives! "he's wearing a purple blouse, with a peach scarf... who does that? that is definetly a fashion no no! i would much rather put on a brown one... its breaks up the outfit, and its a more earth colour that would bring out your eyes... I'll give you 2 stabs out of 5... FUCK YOU!!" *stab* *stab*

My New Track! Alot of people are always cooking something in the stu... i decided to cook some shit in the bedroom, with my friends @Andzznohandz's macbook! "Turn up my treble on the cheap headphones!"

Lazola Gola Papa! by Lazola Gola

UGGS!

Its winter! The time when people are telling you what to wear and how to wear it! Why are we idiots every time the season changes? I don't know what’s hot at the moment and I don't think I ever have! I'm the type of guy that you wouldn't be able to tell whether or not I’m going to hit the streets or going home to watch movies! Most people have a difference... “Oh you look pretty smart, where you off too tonight?” with me it’s the same... it’s a fucking gamble! I don't get the whole winter season hype. Why don't you just wear what you were wearing last winter? Or what you wore during summer on those cold days? So instead of jeans, tee, and sneakers... its jeans, tee, sneakers AND A JACKET!

Having said all that I think you must NEVER EVER... EVER be seen wearing uggs this winter!! WHAT THE FUCK Are those things? That’s the shit Eskimos wear... with the risk of sounding racist... Eskimos are not advocates for cool and have never been! What the fuck are things made out of anyway? I think the animal rights activists don’t know what the fuck it’s made out of either! “STOP KILLING WHATEVER IT IS!” “LEAVE BIG FOOT ALONE!” every time I see those things I think that there is a bear out there rolling without shoulder hair!

“What happened to you…? I was running low on the rent and I needed extra cash… the humans love those dumb ugg shoes!” try it its easy money” (that my impression of a bear hustling!)

I think the wearing of uggs is going to be held against us in the future… if we wear in a court case in the future and we wear pleading for aliens not destroy the earth…

“Your Honour, we’ve made great advances in science and philosophy! We might be a young being but we have made the same mistakes as the plaintiffs did when you were our age; may I dare say, I think we are more advanced at this stage!”

“But, your honour! In the early 2000’s they were wearing uggs!... no reasonable person would be wearing those, regardless of the weather or the style!”

“Ummmm ummm… You’re Honour! The defence requests a recess!!!” we’d would be Fucked!

SAVE MANKIND AND DON’T WEAR UGGS!

Mice!!!

Mice have been getting caught in traps for years, all in the pursuit of cheese! how popular will the first mouse that discovers how to make cheese! He'll get pussy flying at him for days... okay maybe not pussy.. bad chose of words, that would be the last thing he would want flying at him... little mouse vaginas... or little penises... who am i to assume the mouse is not a female or part of the mice homosexual community!
it would be the most popular mouse in Mouse history! it would probably run for mouse presidency!
"Comrades! its a new era for us! too long have we've been discriminated against because of the black plague... those were our forefathers! we wash, floss and all that now! Comrades Mickey Mouse and Stuart Little have turned their backs on us... Comrade Mickey has not invited us to his Disney Land but would rather invite rabbits, ducks and cats... CATS? why is he engaging with ducks? ducks are real under achievers! they can fly, walk on land, and swim really well but still only eat dry bread at parks!! Mickey Mouse is a fascist pig!"

wank

Phone On A Plane

there's a plan to allow phones on aeroplanes... i dont switch my phone off when im on the plane anyway... i think the whole signal interruption thing is over rated! they ask you too nicely to switch off your phones; Iv been treated like a criminal the whole time in my airport experience for having nail clippers, had my luggage sniffed by dogs and thoroughly searched...EVERYWHERE! "why the manners NOW?" seems weird to me...

People at the airport channel their problems into making your life hell! do they get a promotion for how many peoples' plans they can fuck up!
'If you dont let on this plane, that is clearly not anywhere near being ready, will get a raise?'
do they have chart... "I just lost some guy's luggage... put a star next to my name... im trying to get that free weekend away!"

Food

when i make a sandwich i always end up leaving the kitchen with half my sandwich already eaten! i cant help it... i need to make a sandwich for when im making sandwiches!... i also wish there were cubed tomatoes... almost like a tomato loaf... it would make the whole process more efficient, i always have huge gaps in my tomato sandwich paving!

when did bottled water become the water of choice at the restaurant? "would you like some water? still or sparkling?" WTF!!! "would you like me to pay this bill with money... real or monopoly?"

i think staining your clothes is food's last 'Fuck You' before they go! going down fighting! "got a pretty hostile club sandwich here chief!" I HATE IT WHEN MY T-SHIRT GETS STAINED!!!
i think that terrorists shouldn't fill their bombs with nails and shit but with oil and paint, i think it would get the message across much clearer!
"and in the news... what we believe to be to be a stain bomb went off in downtown in the middle of a wedding reception... there was oil and paint everywhere... 19 got their pants stained, the bride got her brand new dress stained, some even got there underwear stained... THEIR UNDERWEAR!... "
people would be like who could be do something like this?... they even stain innocent women and children! which group is responsible for this what is their cause... make them stop!

WANK!!!