Twitter

I’m a Twitter addict. Its taking over my life, more the antisocial addiction and less the selling my phone and performing oral sex at public toilets kind… it’s a bad one none the less! Twitter has wasted so much of my time; it’s like talking to the promo chick or bar lady, lot of conversation but nothing is going to materialize. You just be left with information blue balls.Twitter enables anyone to voice their opinion for EVERYONE (well just your followers and maybe their followers) to see; your own miniature publication. You can find anything from sport updates, Obama quotes, hilarious trending topics (which usually morphs into racist banter) and Khanyi Mbau’s vagina. The problem with letting everyone voice their opinions is that… most people are assholes (me included). If you’re a douche bag in real life, you are probably one on Twitter. If you are cool in real life you still could be a douche online; the numbers are stacked against you not following a douche. This is my list of Twitter douches I try to avoid, this list varies with everyone. My douche list will not be the same as you; I’m probably on many people’s douche lists. If you have a private account… you are a douche. Why are you hiding your tweets? If you want to conceal your tweets so badly, don’t put them on the INTERNET. If I want to follow you, I have to REQUEST to follow you… nothing makes you feel like more of a groupie than REQUESTING someone you don’t know, to read their internet conversation wanks. ‘May I please, please? PLEASE follow you on Twitter.’ Stop it you are a douche!On the opposite end of the sphere are people who use their Twitter Timeline as a chat room. Stop it. You being a douche! DM or get some airtime and sort your shit out on the side. If you are correcting my grammar on Twitter, you are a douche! Fine I’m ‘uneducated’ but so are ‘LOL’, ‘ROTFL’ and ‘GTFOFH.’ If you are tweeting smiley faces, you have no business complaining about grammar. I think once you start ‘drawing’ you’ve lost the argument.If you constantly are tweeting how great a party is; you are a douche. If you having ‘THE BEST TIME OF MY LIFE!’ then you should not be on the phone all night! ‘WISH YOU WERE HERE!’ So you can ignore me? Stop it you are a douche!If you are Retweeting EVERY quote about relationships, astrology, and lame life lessons, you are a douche. We have no idea who is giving this advice, it could literally be a semi naked guy, eating cereal at 3pm on his wankstained couch (the guy you wouldn’t usually take advice from, hopefully.)Make your douche list and start following the people who aren’t douches. Unfollow the people who are douches because if you don’t use the Unfollow button then you are a douche!

Gangsters!

Why are gangsters so concerned about the colour of my T-shirt or what scarf im wearing... you seem a little less dangerous if you THAT concerned about my outfit! you just like Fashion Police, only with guns and knives! "he's wearing a purple blouse, with a peach scarf... who does that? that is definetly a fashion no no! i would much rather put on a brown one... its breaks up the outfit, and its a more earth colour that would bring out your eyes... I'll give you 2 stabs out of 5... FUCK YOU!!" *stab* *stab*

My New Track! Alot of people are always cooking something in the stu... i decided to cook some shit in the bedroom, with my friends @Andzznohandz's macbook! "Turn up my treble on the cheap headphones!"

Lazola Gola Papa! by Lazola Gola

UGGS!

Its winter! The time when people are telling you what to wear and how to wear it! Why are we idiots every time the season changes? I don't know what’s hot at the moment and I don't think I ever have! I'm the type of guy that you wouldn't be able to tell whether or not I’m going to hit the streets or going home to watch movies! Most people have a difference... “Oh you look pretty smart, where you off too tonight?” with me it’s the same... it’s a fucking gamble! I don't get the whole winter season hype. Why don't you just wear what you were wearing last winter? Or what you wore during summer on those cold days? So instead of jeans, tee, and sneakers... its jeans, tee, sneakers AND A JACKET!

Having said all that I think you must NEVER EVER... EVER be seen wearing uggs this winter!! WHAT THE FUCK Are those things? That’s the shit Eskimos wear... with the risk of sounding racist... Eskimos are not advocates for cool and have never been! What the fuck are things made out of anyway? I think the animal rights activists don’t know what the fuck it’s made out of either! “STOP KILLING WHATEVER IT IS!” “LEAVE BIG FOOT ALONE!” every time I see those things I think that there is a bear out there rolling without shoulder hair!

“What happened to you…? I was running low on the rent and I needed extra cash… the humans love those dumb ugg shoes!” try it its easy money” (that my impression of a bear hustling!)

I think the wearing of uggs is going to be held against us in the future… if we wear in a court case in the future and we wear pleading for aliens not destroy the earth…

“Your Honour, we’ve made great advances in science and philosophy! We might be a young being but we have made the same mistakes as the plaintiffs did when you were our age; may I dare say, I think we are more advanced at this stage!”

“But, your honour! In the early 2000’s they were wearing uggs!... no reasonable person would be wearing those, regardless of the weather or the style!”

“Ummmm ummm… You’re Honour! The defence requests a recess!!!” we’d would be Fucked!

SAVE MANKIND AND DON’T WEAR UGGS!

Mice!!!

Mice have been getting caught in traps for years, all in the pursuit of cheese! how popular will the first mouse that discovers how to make cheese! He'll get pussy flying at him for days... okay maybe not pussy.. bad chose of words, that would be the last thing he would want flying at him... little mouse vaginas... or little penises... who am i to assume the mouse is not a female or part of the mice homosexual community!
it would be the most popular mouse in Mouse history! it would probably run for mouse presidency!
"Comrades! its a new era for us! too long have we've been discriminated against because of the black plague... those were our forefathers! we wash, floss and all that now! Comrades Mickey Mouse and Stuart Little have turned their backs on us... Comrade Mickey has not invited us to his Disney Land but would rather invite rabbits, ducks and cats... CATS? why is he engaging with ducks? ducks are real under achievers! they can fly, walk on land, and swim really well but still only eat dry bread at parks!! Mickey Mouse is a fascist pig!"

wank

Phone On A Plane

there's a plan to allow phones on aeroplanes... i dont switch my phone off when im on the plane anyway... i think the whole signal interruption thing is over rated! they ask you too nicely to switch off your phones; Iv been treated like a criminal the whole time in my airport experience for having nail clippers, had my luggage sniffed by dogs and thoroughly searched...EVERYWHERE! "why the manners NOW?" seems weird to me...

People at the airport channel their problems into making your life hell! do they get a promotion for how many peoples' plans they can fuck up!
'If you dont let on this plane, that is clearly not anywhere near being ready, will get a raise?'
do they have chart... "I just lost some guy's luggage... put a star next to my name... im trying to get that free weekend away!"

Food

when i make a sandwich i always end up leaving the kitchen with half my sandwich already eaten! i cant help it... i need to make a sandwich for when im making sandwiches!... i also wish there were cubed tomatoes... almost like a tomato loaf... it would make the whole process more efficient, i always have huge gaps in my tomato sandwich paving!

when did bottled water become the water of choice at the restaurant? "would you like some water? still or sparkling?" WTF!!! "would you like me to pay this bill with money... real or monopoly?"

i think staining your clothes is food's last 'Fuck You' before they go! going down fighting! "got a pretty hostile club sandwich here chief!" I HATE IT WHEN MY T-SHIRT GETS STAINED!!!
i think that terrorists shouldn't fill their bombs with nails and shit but with oil and paint, i think it would get the message across much clearer!
"and in the news... what we believe to be to be a stain bomb went off in downtown in the middle of a wedding reception... there was oil and paint everywhere... 19 got their pants stained, the bride got her brand new dress stained, some even got there underwear stained... THEIR UNDERWEAR!... "
people would be like who could be do something like this?... they even stain innocent women and children! which group is responsible for this what is their cause... make them stop!

WANK!!!

Movies!

Dstv is great because it uses satelite technology to transfer data at high speeds across the world, giving the best in local and international content.... except when its raining and there fat clouds in the sky!...
How crazy is that, thats like getting new soccer boots but not being able to play outside with them! why you there if i can't use you when i need you? soon you will be hearing people saying "aahh what a beautiful day, sky is blue and not a cloud in the sky... perfect time to watch a movie!"

is it me or are the names of the movies on African Magic so dope.. they make me wanna watch it! 'Hidden Eyes!','Knife Edge!' Knife Edge? this shit is going to blow my mind!

when ever im looking for a good movie to watch.. i always look at the date... i dont know how this makes any difference in what the movie is like... but im always like "ahh 2010 thats just last year... this must be good!"... forgetting that Leon Schuster's movie was new once upon a time!

Wank!

Headphones

Make sure your headphones are visible... people assume the worst!

Having head phones on makes you feel so detached from the world and everyone... which i love... however you never know how loud your burps and farts are... you dont know which category it was in...1)no one know anything, 2)no one heard but all know its you, 3)heard but it was so soft that you laugh it off , or 4)just rude and disgusting!... so there you are doing fart detective work on the spot... gauging the extent of the damage... you have to come up with a diagnosis soon or you just have to go for the full apology and cover all the scenarios! but it sucks doing a full apology and you only done a 1)!

i hate singing along to rap... cause i always remember weird parts of the song and to people im sitting next to it sounds like im a violent rain man! "Gun in the mouth/ rape/ child abuse/shoot em up/ murder!"


wank (whisper)

The Police

as a black young individual in South Africa, you get into a lot of run ins with the police. The other day i was racially profiled by a police officer... a police officer came over to me and asked whether i liked chicken... i was like FUCK YOU MAN... JUST BECAUSE IM BLACK DOESNT MEAN I LIKE CHICKEN!...

they always asking you questions like where you goimg, where coming from, who were you with... "why do you sound as though you want to go hang with me?


When police officers have harrassed you or whatver they claim that they had to do it because they are 3 armed suspects in the area... "DONT TELL ME THAT, IM STILL ON MY WAY HOME!... GIVE A LIFT?"

Everytime i see a blue flashing light i get a little nervous... I cant even enjoy a christmas light display anymore... Having said all this... if shit goes down the first number im calling is 10111!

WANK!

Grocery Shopping

Grocery shopping is always a weird experience for me. i always feel like the store is way too big... what are other people buying that i don't know about? why is there an entire aisle dedicated to pet food... a WHOLE aisle? HOW FUSSY CAN A DOG BE? iv seen a dog eat its own shit! i doubt it cares whether or not the the food has chicken gravy or beef chunks!...

i don't know how good a special really is... especially if you don't buy it often... "R7.99 a KG... how much is a KG? how much do i eat usually... is this a huge bargain? should i be loading a lot of these?... i don't know what a good butternut looks like... i know there are good and bad ones but i don't know the difference, i just feel around until people around me think that i know what I'm doing!

why do people leave their trolleys in the middle of the aisle... this is not your kitchen lady! there people around you trying to live... i wish there was a grocery police escort... "MOVE OUT OF THE WAY... WE TRYING TO GET TO THE HOT CROSS BUNS!"

i don't think eating in the store should be allowed... how hungry could you be? i did not really mind before but it seems people go for the messy foods and still carry on shopping, i don't appreciate it when my peaches taste like Pepper Steak Pies!!!

Wank!

Smoking

smoking is weird... its assumed that new smokers know what they doing... i think they freaking out! "THERS A FLAME REALLY CLOSE TO MY FACE... the margin for error is very small here... CAN I GET SOME GUIDANCE!..." but we all look down on them for a starting a habit that could kill them...

...yeah! smoking might kill me but do you know how many times it's saved my life? the government get millions from taxing smokers... "you enjoying the road or library?... pleasure!"

why is it that you cant have a beer without a smoke... it's as if Molboro is Castle's jealous ex and can never let you hang out with Castle alone "What you guys up to?!"

burning someone with your smoke is always awkward... no matter whose fault it was, the smoker is always is the douche bag... have you ever burnt someone and pretended that nothing happen... the trick is wiping the ash off them without them noticing (however, dont blame me if you've got a hole in your clothes.. it happens to me too)!!

Wank!